I just read an article and this write up is definitely inspired by 5-Mom-Shaming write up by Stephanie Barnhart.
In the above article she mentioned 5 top mom shaming topics, and I couldn't agree more. Not that I am a mother of my own children yet, but watching and hearing mothers shaming mothers raises my eyebrow. Not to mentioned those comments that comes from people who never had children or never had the chance to raise a baby before. Horrendous.
The only point I couldn't relate is point 3, the other 4 I can totally relate or at least pull out one name who suffered as a victim.
I shall just highlight the 4 points that I can relate to, and probably pull and quote a few mothers I know.
Breastfeeding:
We all know breast milk is the best for babies. Unfortunately, not all mothers are gifted to have endless supply of breast milk, or had an easy, comforting, relaxing moment breastfeeding. Some went through indescribable moments just trying to get baby to latch on, some just couldn't get the supply to last, some just couldn't.
So, the next time you see a mommy bottle feeding, DO NOT ever judge. Just because you had a breast full of milk when you gave birth and breastfed till baby was 24months, it doesn't mean all mommies have that benefit, AND it is NEVER her choice to not have breast milk to feed her baby.
Organic Snacks:
We know you want the best, but there is also nothing wrong with feeding non-organic. If there is something wrong with non-organic, I would have died. My mom fed me asam pedas and belacan before I turned 1. She basically feed me anything she is eating, not like feed me a spoonful of those spicy food, but just a good small lick of them, just a taste of it.The term for this would be, I believe, is Baby Led Weaning (BLW). More about it here. I never had special baby food, according to my mom, apart from the porridge. Everything else is basically what everyone else is eating.
It is of course completely fine if you want a special baby meal, with only organic ingredients, mashing up everything, even when baby has teeth.
It is your baby, do it your style, but there is really no need to shaft all mommies to do it your way. Trust me, every baby is different, as different as their individual mommies. So when someone whipped out a non-organic snack, don't freak out. You may just kindly say, my baby don't eat that. End it there. No need to preach and lecture about how organic is the better choice.
Mom jeans and other fashion fails:
We know about the first impressions, but you don't need to call me sloppy on my lazy days! Oh come on, as a mom, you'd definitely have days where you stayed in you PJs the whole day. Only to shower for 1 min when baby sleeps, because miraculously baby will wake up when you leave their side (even when they are fast asleep!)
When you see a mom with crumpled stained shirt, maternity jeans and slippers, say hi. And whisper, "you looked great, MOM!"
What's with you mommies condemning mommies, eh?
Working moms vs stay-at-home moms:
The debate is always on, and will always be there... Honestly, don't. Just don't. Do what is good for your family, and just quit judging just because someone chose to quit their awesome paying job to stay home, or if someone chose to pay the babysitter to be at work. You don't know.
Besides, we all have days when we wish we can switch places. That in itself is enough to prove that we are all mothers, just the same.
These four points are awesome as is, but I'd just like to add a few more of my very own pet peeves plus a few rantings from other moms alike.
Waking a sleeping baby:
I am always judged when I wake my sleeping baby. Thing is, no one knows how monstrous this cute little baby becomes when she had way too much of day sleep. Besides, I know my baby more than you do, and I am the one who is going to face her at night - the time when everyone in the household needs sleep the most.Force feeding baby:
This! Sometimes people go extreme and said I abused my baby when I force feed my baby. I wasn't exactly forcing her like putting her down pinching her nose or anything close to that, by the way! I was merely making her eat what she needs to eat. As in I would distract her, talk to her, occasionally giving her a stern stare or shout a little, just so she would take in another bite.
Thing is, you people don't know how hungry my baby is. Besides, she does chew and eat her food properly, just that she hates being spoon fed for some odd reason. She just hate the idea of having to stop doing what she is doing to open up her mouth and take in the food.
Letting/leaving baby to play alone:
"Oh how could you? What if baby falls, when he tries climbing the seats?" are just some of what Mommy R hears almost every time she lets her son play on his own, and watching him climb seats, stairs and what not. Obviously, she wouldn't allow her son to fall and cut his head open! People often underestimate what her son is capable of doing. He falls and gets up in an instant, and I find that a good trait to have as a boy. When he falls, he knows it's painful, and would be more careful the next time. He learns to get up and move on when mommy didn't see him fall.
Every mommy's heart would drop and die a little everytime their baby fall. Trust me, our heart did drop and die! Just that some things just had to be done. Babies need to fall and learn, so he/she would be more careful.
Leaving baby in someone else's care:
This would probably be one of Mama M's pet peeves. To leave your baby in someone else's care, so you can rest or do something like work, have some private time alone, or just date to dine.
I don't know and never could understand why people shame these moms, haven't you moms ever feel the dying need to just have a breather sometimes?
Besides, it is not like we leave our babies in any strangers' care. We evaluate the caretakers, we find time to know these people, and we ensure they follow our instructions, so what is so bad about leaving your baby in someone else's care. Ain't it the same like when you send your child to school?
Birthday parties:
So, you had a snow white theme for your baby's first, and planning on a frozen theme on her second. Good for you and baby!
Unfortunately, not all families celebrate birthdays, and some families just don't have that luxury to spend a fortune for a day called "birthday".
So what if baby doesn't have a birthday party coming up yet?
Hand me downs:
I got this sometimes, just because I accept hand-me-downs, it doesn't mean I cant afford them or love my baby any less. It just means I am being practical. My baby is 9months, and she is quickly outgrowing a lot of her rompers, dresses and socks.
There is really nothing wrong with hand me downs!
Letting baby cry:
Another one of Mommy R's pet peeves. When people intervene after you "scold" baby and she cried her lungs out. Of course our heart wails along with baby, but we gotta discipline them and teach them that bad behaviour won't get them anywhere, they gotta learn how to behave.
I also recalled Sis Neny mentioned about baby Sofie crying because she simply feels emotional. And letting her cry is the only right thing to do. I mean how would you feel if you were told to smile when you just simply feel like crying. Sometimes, we all just need to sit and cry, for no reason at all.
As mothers we all just need to be there, and let baby come up to us to say she's sorry or for her to just say, "Mommy, I need a hug". And if child stubbornly wants to whine and demand, it is better to just ignore and not acknowledge so she'd learn that mothers are in control, not baby.
Messy baby room / non-existing baby room:
"Ah? You don't have baby room uh? Baby play in living room? Baby follow you into the kitchen?" "so messy, and dirty, how baby play?" these are probably just some nasty things I hear. Not for myself but for some of my friends, and I feel obligated to sometimes back them up.
With a baby at home, how often do you really actually have time to clean up and tidy things up? When baby naps, most mothers are just so tired and end up sleeping along or just putting up their legs and watch some tv for awhile. And before mommy realise, baby is up again. And so one baby nap, mommy decide to do some laundry, trust me, 90% of the time you wont get to complete that cycle. Chances are, you'd need another nap break to hang laundry dry, and another nap break to fold them nice. So we end up cleaning, tidying and sanitizing once a week - and that is already a victory! It gets done when daddy is around to distract them all to play in one quiet corner or get gramps to bring them out to a walk around the park.
Good job, Mommy!
So now that baby is back, her books are back out, and so does all her toys. welcome to reality! Life repeats like that....
Co-sleeping with baby:
Some people are against co-sleeping with baby, saying it doesn't allow baby to be independent and that it would be harder for baby to sleep on her own later on. To me, it depends on the baby themselves. When they are ready, they will tell you so. And when they do, you mommies and daddies would be the one crying softly because there are no more tiny hands and feet on your face while you sleep anymore.
Honestly, I think there is nothing wrong with co-sleeping with your child. I co-slept with my mom until I was 7 or 8. I just decided to sleep on my own one day, and there was no problem with that. My bond with my mom is beyond words. She could tell even when I didnt say a word. Be it me having a problem, or me having a fever, she can tell. And I had to say it is because I co-slept with her, we build a bond, an unbreakable one to say the least.
With all that said, I am sure there are many more shame game between mothers going on, and I urge you to share if you'd like to. I'd be more than happy to hear from you, so I can learn!
Do note that all comments will be going through a screening process, so don't panic and resend your comments if you don't see it. It typically takes a few days for me to read and publish it.
To all mothers, you are doing just great, regardless what style you chose to raise your children. You are the best mothers your children can have- remember that!
If you like this entry, you might want to follow through this follow-up entry here.
Wassalam.
Jun
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