I guess a lot of my old friends would know how temperamental I can get back then, and many were just shocked when they see me not getting bothered with what used to unleash the beast in me.
For me, it came with age, and plenty of tough love and rough lessons to learn by. I guess many woman would be like that, at least I hope it would be.
I would say I am still short tempered, but some said I am temper-less these days. Truth be told, I tend to shut down a lot so I would shut up and not feel anything.
I was raised to tell the truth, although I have a phase in my life in which I lied a lot. I phased it out to tell the truth in the end every time. The truth hurts, we all know that.
I mean imagine Chef Gordon Ramsay in Hell Kitchen. Yeah, like that. He isn't exactly hurting people purposely. It is the truth, something is wrong, and it needs to be corrected. And I used to be worst. I feel like everything should be done my way. Everyone should consider me. I was that selfish monster who throws tantrums when it goes a different direction.
Besides....
Back in secondary school, I can throw everything out of my bag, and an hour later, I'd cuss myself for being so dumb as to throw my own stuff for being angry at I don't know who and for I don't know what reason.
Yup, the thing about being short tempered is such. We get angry, we throw a fuss, and then, that's it.
A big difference to being HOT tempered. So, know the difference alright.
I can be mad at you for one thing, and if you are sincere at apologizing, i'd forget that and be back to normal and I wont feel awkward about it, nor would I have time to remember and pull out that problem from xx years ago up for no reason at all.
Chances are, I've forgotten you made me mad or why I got mad in the first place.
I used to be really brutally honest and straight forward. I'd tell you I hate your nose, or that your socks are attracting attention more than that model's boobs. I'd tell you I like you because you are cute. I'd tell you straight in your face, I don't remember you at all.
And sure, I got into a whole lot of trouble for being honest. So I learnt as I grow up.
As far as I can go, I'd tell you the one and only thing I learnt thus far. I learnt to shut down so I'd shut up and not react at all.
Yup. sometimes, stupid becomes beyond stupid and sometimes there are just too many of them getting to you all at once, that it is just necessary to shut down completely. You know, like a PC, reboot, restart and go fresh new, all over again.
But it is a good thing that I get to expressed my temper when I was younger, because those who had seen me unleash the beast inside me kept their distance. And when they say something stupid and I twitch, they'd freeze.
And then of course they are people who cannot believe I had a beast inside of me waiting to be unleashed and keep hitting and sitting on my head. Little did they know that my beast is just behind them waiting to eat them whole, just that now.. my beast prefers to smile because there is something bigger that is worth waiting and watching.
They will one day face another person who was like me a decade ago. They will meet this ugly beast one day, who would dig their eyeballs out and leave them dangling. They would. Just a matter of time.
Meanwhile, just be glad that most of these beasts mellow down with age, they all learn that no one can cure stupid. And they will all learn to shut down. Just like me.
Sometimes, honesty isn't very nice. Just that people know who to look up to for a really honest opinion when they really need one. There's always someone!
I don't always like putting on pretty frosting of sugar on top of my cupcake. I'd take it without, and the same goes for my life. I never find the need to sugarcoat my words.
Difference is, I shut up or at least try to shut up physically (at the very least) when I have nothing nice to say. I'd smile and force a "no comments" or "alhamdulillah". I'd try my best to eliminate myself from the conversation and run away before I tell them what's in my mind. ;)
The only people who gets to hear my brutally honest opinions are my family, my bff, and the people in my very fragile trust circle.
As much as I wished it is just the age... I have to admit that surrounding myself with calmer people helped me as well. The people who are real enough to acknowledge my frustrations and cool enough to wait till I am calm enough to hear the brighter side to it. I cannot accept people who do not acknowledge my feelings of frustrations - almost like they just expect me to not feel at all. They are not my kind of friends, they irritate the hell out of my sane mind, really. I mean ya, it is wonderful to always to "positive" and always looking at the "brighter" side. but hey! You gotta express your frustrations too sometimes, and stop killing it before you fully understood the emotions and reasons behind it. It is NEVER good to numb your emotions - at least NOT for ME.
I am someone who prefer people who keep it real and express their emotions. Positive people don't need to always smile and numb their frustrations and depressions. REAL positive people are those who acknowledge their emotions, allow time to understand these "negative" emotions, and then control them. There is no point killing your emotions all the time, I'd say it might just break you one day when everyone thinks it is okay to hurt you.
As much as I have mellowed down to smile at stupid, I still have my days where I'd scream at your face for being too much of stupid.
So with all that said, what do I do when I am angry?
1) Say things I don't mean
Who doesn't? So angry, I couldn't think so I say things I don't mean. Things like "useless crap", "stupid thing", etc2) Scrub and Clean
Yup, when I get too angry and couldn't say a word, I get cleaning! I start spraying Dettol all over, and scrub those floors and walls away. I turn over everything and clean away. I change the bedsheets even if I had just changed it 3 days ago, I take out all my clothes so I can tidy and organize them up all over again.And this method, believe it or not, is the best antidote for my anger. All the cleaning exhaust me and usually mid way through the cleaning, I would forget I was angry and continued cleaning. And when I am all done, I lie on my bed and thinks I am amazing to do all that cleaning in a day... :)
3) Destroy something
Yup, I used to throw and really damage something. These days, I'd take some scrap paper and just tear it to pieces like it is some upsetting love letter or some sort.4) Cry a river
Yup, sometimes, when you are too drained, and everything is so hard on you and you are too mad to do anything else, you cry. And then scold yourself for crying over some stupid issue. Yup, that's me.5) Text a trusted person
I don't necessarily text about what happened. My trusted person don't need to know what made me angry, she just needs to know I am angry, and then my trusted person would either tell me it is okay, or she'd find something to humor me. That is also why I sometimes get more mad when the person I am angry with jump and assume I am complaining to someone when I grab my phone. Well, I am angry, I need to divert my anger as I expressed them. What makes you think I'd tell people about you when I care and love you so much? Well unless you are just some stranger and you mean nothing to me, then I'd gladly tell my friend about it.6) Shut myself
When all fails, I shut myself where I can be alone. I used to lock myself in my room with the radios blasting. Now, it is impossible, so I sometimes, shut myself in the toilet. Often ended up picking up the spray bottle of Dettol and start cleaning...7) Browse happy pictures
Yup.. cliche, but it usually works. I browse happy pictures, and wondered if it is worth getting so angry..Express that anger
Yup, even after doing all that, that anger needs to be expressed. It need to be handled maturely. It need to be said, and sent across to the other person. The other person need to acknowledge why she/he is angry. Both senders and receivers need to acknowledge each others' reason for being angry.When we are calmer, after registering the whys.. the hows will surface to come to a peaceful solution. On extreme cases a third neutral person is required to see the bigger why and how.
I have come very far, to realise and list all these openly. I am not perfect, I still have angry issues inside me, I sometimes still hold on to the reasons. I sometimes still hurt myself...
I guess age is just something constant, the unnecessary hurting would lessen with time.. however, it is extremely dangerous for someone to suddenly lose interest in getting angry and moved on very quickly to be happy again. I guess anger takes a lot of energy, and having that energy to express it means you are something to that person. And you would mean nothing when everyone begin to just not care, and walk away from you.
You know how a million people say "Do what you want, I don't care", and yet still haunt to nag at you or hang around to scold you when you make a mistake? Well, it shows they still care. Recognize these people, and give them a hug.
With that said, I am sorry. I am sorry to all those people who had endlessly worry about me, for me and still is worrying right now on what I do next. I am sorry for troubling you, with all my impulsive decisions and actions. I am sorry for getting angry when I should be thankful.
I am far from perfect, but all of you had love me nothing less that I deserve. I will be forever grateful for just that. Thank you.
Wassalam,
Jun
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